i can never excuse the poor decisions that ive made in my past but i can start making the right choices now! whoever coined the phrase “you are what you think” must have had the curiosity of a twelve your old boy in mind. my discovery of hustler magazine was made at the ripe old age of eleven and from that day forward i don’t think i ever looked back. from when i gazed at my first picture of a fully naked woman i was instantly addicted. the feeling i got from looking at these naked women for me was nothing short of pure euphoria nothing had ever matched this complete high i was experiencing. so of course the first time i was alone with a computer and access to the internet i was intently researching human anatomy more specifically the adult female human body. this practice quickly became a lifestyle for me. at the time i was being home schooled in sort of an independent study program. since i had a great part of the day completely unattended a laptop computer and access to the internet there was a time when i was spending close to eight hours a day everyday looking at internet pornography. later with the help of the internet magazines and movies passed around throughout the middle school i was attending i had plenty of access to pornography. this only continued throughout high school. because i didn’t want my computer to get any viruses and the fear of my computer crashing i started frequenting adult book stores on the other side of town. the neighborhoods that these stores were in were so dangerous i can remember seeing someone on the ten o clock news one time involved in a high speed police chase that actually started at one of the porn stores i would go to.
i have found in my own experience when indulging into the lie of what pornography truly is everything else in life will be negatively affected. when addicted to porn all i wanted to do was look at porn. there might have been other outside family issues going on at the same time as well but i quickly and completely became uninterested of almost everything else in life. i was quickly drawn away from other interests and put into absolute isolation. at the time i could honestly say that i really didn’t care about life and was comfortable with the world passing me by with no objections. the longer that i stayed in this slump the more dulled my perception of the world around me became losing all joy vigor and zest for life. the excitement and plans others had in their lives was missing in mine. because i started viewing porn at such an early age the repercussions from porn weren’t fully felt until a decade later. because i was in this zombie like state of “going through the motions” and because pornography solved the problem for any real need of a relationship with the opposite sex for so long when i did have the attention of women i was too disconnected to even notice or completely understand how to go about pursuing these women. when i finally did have the desire to pursue relationships with women my age the aggressive courage that defines the manly virile characteristic was almost extinguished leaving me maimed and completely inoperative towards the definition of the man being the pursuer and hunter. because i had such a strong and positive initial influence towards porn, defending my “vice” was easily condonable. porn was viewed as harmless to the point of actually believing that it was my best friend. my best friend who was ALWAYS there for me never disappointing me not once in our entire relationship!! this perception creates an unrealistic expectation put on future relationships specifically ones involving the significant other. when someone is currently in the middle of a situation it can be difficult or even impossible for them to see anything but nearsighted. not until completely removed of their situation can a person truly be able to rationally see the complete picture again understanding and identifying abnormal behavior that was once not clearly recognized.
the beginning of the end started when i volunteered to be a camp counselor for a week long high school summer bible camp. i knew this was a God thing because i arrived at the camp the night before all the jr campers were to arrive and i knew absolutely nobody. unbenounced to me all the other counselors grew up attending this camp every year later returning as camp counselors. i felt completely isolated and never have i felt more away from my comfort zone in my life than on that first night. during one of the all boy sophomore bible study groups the subject of viewing pornography was discussed stopping me dead in my tracks leaving my jaw dropped and speechless. God broke me at this camp and told me to extinguish my porn viewing habits. when arriving home i really wanted to put an end to pornography and i did for two weeks. then shortly after returning into my daily life again i retreated back to my old ways again. i realized that i actually did have a problem when i finally received a virus that shut down my computer not allowing my computer to even start. i didn’t relinquish my addiction to porn until after another year and a half went by until one day i was just abolished from porn. i was clean and kept to this clean state for eight months until one friday night i was alone and i broke down running back to my enslavement. my porn viewing was more sporadic this time around but non the less addicted once again. when coming into the new year of 2011 i felt a strong authoritative influence mentally giving me an ultimatum. im no longer addicted to porn and i really don’t view porn the same way i used to. its like when you were a baby and you were content with drinking just milk eventually you must let go of your selfish old ways permanently. relinquishing your way and leaving the milk behind is mandatory if you ever want to change and become the person that God had intended from the beginning.